It’s a trick day for a topic. For many people around the word this is a complicated, if not emotional, anniversary. To keep things simple and open up your own point of view, please remember something important you’ve lost that you want to remember and think about. And write about what you chose and why.
There are a few important things that I have lost – one is recent and one is semi-old. I’m going to write about the semi-old one because the recent one is still too painful to write about and I’m not entirely sure that I have truly lost anything yet. It’s still in those early stages, I guess you could say.
Anyway, moving on to the topic at hand.
I met a girl who was a lot like me via LiveJournal. I’m not too clear on how we met anymore – it was either in the Supernatural or Smallville fandoms and could have been through a friending meme. I’m not too sure. I remember when we first met we were pretty amazed at how much we had in common. At the time this girl was claiming to be queer and more of a tomboy or a 16 year old boy stuck in an 18 year old woman’s body. We would joke that we were brothers from another mother. We both shared the gender neutrality and the sexuality.
In a way she was the Clark Kent to my Lex Luthor, only she took this too literally and thought that she was supposed to save me from myself. That was not how I viewed our friendship. She was my other best friend and I thought we had fun together. I looked up to her and she was one of the positive people in my life at the time aside from my other (first) best friend. I guess somewhere along the way she felt like she had to be my Great Savior or something and around that same time she started to lie to me about things.
Suddenly it came up that she liked a guy and that she wanted to see him when he came to visit. She would make plans to call me or talk to me online so we could write together and webcam but instead, she would go visit him. I wouldn’t have minded if she’d told me rather than just left me hanging for days at a time. This obviously put tension on us and it became worse once she visited. She was here for a week and unfortunately, a friend of mine was murdered the day before she would have shown up. She still came to visit and even stuck by me when I couldn’t attend his funeral. We planned for her to come and visit that week and then in the summer I would go visit her.
When it came time to my visiting her she wanted me to postpone my trip since it was convenient for her to see that guy, who was coming down to her area. Well, I said no because I had arranged someone to watch my pet gerbils while I was gone and I couldn’t afford to change my ticket. She insisted she’d pay the change and I said no. That I wasn’t going to be cast aside so she could have something better, especially not since it was a last minute decision on her part.
Things were tense and weird when I came down to see her because she couldn’t get the time off of work apparently, and looking back I’m not even sure she was working at that time. But that’s beside the point. Things were awkward and once she took me to the bus station to go home, I had a feeling that was the last time I would ever talk to her. I didn’t hear from her all summer and while I knew she was busy working at the marina and doing her Thursday night gigs at this bar out where she lives, she still never kept in touch.
I finally called her near the end of August when I found out my mother was having a biopsy for cervical cancer. She never called back until September to say that this was goodbye ‘for now’ and she was ‘sorry I couldn’t be your Superman’. She gave no other explanation and I reckon she either felt me a burden or that I wasn’t someone she could have in her future with this boy – that she was now dating and hopelessly in love with. She became obsessed with him and it was frightening watching your best friend turn into someone completely opposite to how you knew them.
For a year I was distraught because I’m manic depressive and I don’t deal with loss easily like others may. My emotions are magnified by a thousand compared to ordinary people. It took awhile to stop blaming myself especially since I had no closure and she seemed to give no explanation why she was leaving me. I’ve since lost two other people in my life that way and it’s sad because each time they claim it’s not me but I’m starting to think it is and no one has the balls to tell me what’s wrong so I can try and change.
I recently changed Facebook accounts and saw some of this ex friend’s photos through a mutual friend and looking through her Facebook photos at a glance, she erased everything about me from her life. I find that despicable and it’s hard to imagine someone can just so easily remove you from their life. I don’t even want to be associated with someone who does that and now, I’m thankful she’s gone from my life. Looking back she was more toxic than good and I’m glad to have moved on. There are times I miss things from our friendship but if she came to me and said she wanted to patch things up or whatever, I would probably talk long enough to find out the why then say no. I don’t want anything to do with her again.