AKA the post where I talk about fickle friends; and chances are, yes, this song is about you. Know why? Because I’ve had it up to my teeth with people who lie to me on a daily basis. This is not what friendship is about and those of you who know me, know I have deep trust issues and know precisely why I have these trust issues. Sure, I could keep this to myself but since it has been bothering me for month, it’s time I let it out in my own space. Yeah, it’s public; you have a right to make your ridiculous excuses and I have a right to state my frustration. At least I’m not naming names so the guilty parties can secretly stay guilty.
Now, before writing this post, I Googled “most stupid excuses given to friends why we want to stay home and game” and got some amusing results. I’ve not read any of them since I don’t want to affect the outcome of my own post but afterwards I will be looking at them and likely writing a Best Of… post for those links. Anyway, moving on… and putting this post under a cut as it will be lonnnng.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother who had more excuses than there were hours in the day, and for the first 11 years of my life, we both lived with her mother -my grandma- whom also had a life full of excuses. My grandma’s back history is that she was an alcoholic who dealt with abuse from her now ex-husband (my grandpa), and that somewhere between the time my mother was born in 1958 and the time I was born in 1986, she suffered a brain aneurysm. This led to her becoming reclusive, have poor personal hygiene (she barely showered, if at all, unless she had to go to a family function or appointment but even still, she wouldn’t book those unless necessary) and also, a piss-poor attitude. She hated my mother for being an alcoholic, and my mother had used alcoholism as means to escape the abuse between her mother and father, as well as their arguing, the divorce and all sorts of shit she dealt with growing up.
I grew up in a toxic environment, let me tell you, and I was not allowed to have friends over because my mother was embarrassed over my grandmother sleeping all day and being unwashed, and my grandmother was humiliated at her own self and would not let me have friends over either. There was always an excuse as to why I could not have friends over. Eventually, my mother began drinking (for all I know, she drank the entire time – I just remember noticing it around age 7) and each time she had some excuse for it… and the thing was, she made me co-dependant upon her. I couldn’t get ready for school on my own or make breakfast for myself and I did not know where the stairs in my apartment building were and I was afraid to take the elevator by myself. I did not even know how to properly cross a street, so if my mother was sleeping until 4pm on a school day because of a hangover, I stayed in my room and quietly played with my toys because if my grandmother woke up early and found out I was home, she would kick the shit out of my mother. Now, this led to a chain of excuses sent to the principal at my elementary school and later my middle school as to why I was not in school that day and why no one called to say anything the day of, and why I was sent in with a note the next day.
Once I was 11 and my mother and I moved out on our own (though it was just down the hall from my grandmother, in the same apartment building) I began making excuses for my mother to hide her alcoholism. I don’t know why, because I wasn’t afraid of being taken away, but I just made those excuses. This continued into high school until I got into a wicked fight with a former friend and two of my bigger, muscular male friends couldn’t even hold me down – I was angry, (later finding out it was likely a manic episode which led to this and was why no one could hold me down – I was bordering on psychosis and not realising it) and eventually, my mother had to be called in. I was skipping classes. I was sassing my teachers. I would refuse to do school work and instead, me and my high school best friend would rather sit in the school cafeteria or at the public library writing together. In the later years of high school, I would rather smoke dope and abuse/snort pills and drink at someone’s place while their parents were at work than attend school. It all led to my teachers and guidance counsellors and principal trying to reach my mother. She never came for those interviews and I know one day I just gave up and stopped lying for her. I told the truth of what was going on at home.
I started to hate liars after that and could I ever pick one out of a crowd. I got big into the internet around then (I was into it from age 11-13, stopped using it from 14-15, and then from 16-onward it’s been a constant in my life) and started helping two LiveJournal communities which busted fakers – from fake personalities to people who faked pregnancies and faked illnesses or worse: faked their own deaths. I was duped once and that led to my mounting trust issues and so now, when someone is playing me for a fool I know and I am not afraid to shove it right back into their face. The biggest issue now is not lies but people who are using the most ridiculous excuses as to why they cannot go out or why they are changing plans at the last minute.
Now, I won’t lie: during a peak in my anxiety circa 2006-2009 I really did avoid people and would explain I am too anxious to go out. It was not an excuse but the damn honest truth. I would become physically ill and pass out if I tried to leave so I just didn’t. I lost a lot of friends who grew tired of me and I started to see what that excuse was doing to my so-called social life, so now, I am seeing why people became frustrated with me. Despite being at Anxiety Peak II, I am still trying to take advantage of my ‘good days’ and most days I can be found sitting at Tim Horton’s for a few hours writing on my iPad 2 and trying to get out of the house for awhile. At the very least, I am inspired to write more at Tim Horton’s than I am at home, where I have many distractions.
A few excuses I’ve been given were when I asked one friend to come out for coffee and they said, verbatim, My nose is running really badly and I am really congested and stuffed up, I cannot come out today. That excuse comes from a friend who seems to have chronic sinus issues and frankly, should see a doctor about it instead of overdoing it with the OTC medications and “home therapy” options, because clearly nothing is helping. They might have “chronic bronchitis” and all of those fun upper respiratory illnesses, but there are so many treatments nowadays that you do not need to sit at home babying yourself because of a runny nose. I also found out later that not only were they not at home resting as they led me to believe, but they were on a The Sims 3 kick and had been for a few weeks, save for sleeping.
The second excuse came when I had plans with someone I barely ever saw and they decided to ‘confess’ that they are afraid of wind. Not twisters, microbursts or anything like that but wind. The thing that is in the ‘weather’ 80% of the time. It’s the same as saying you’re afraid of UV rays or oxygen. I had no choice but to agree with them since hey, I have some phobias myself (well, no I’m phobic (and by phobic I mean legit phobia that interferes with my life) of needles, vomiting, bodily fluids -latter two which lead to my OCD- and people/strange places that aren’t my safe space (thus, agoraphobia)…) but I am rarely ever going to use those as means to avoid seeing someone. I was pretty pissed off after this and did post about it on Twitter, causing a rift in our friendship but this person knows me. They know I call bullshit, they know I will vent publicly and it is part of who I am. If I think something is stupid, I let the whole world know. It’s not a great way with dealing with things but it is how I deal with things and if you don’t like it, well, no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to be or stay my friend.
Other times I have quite literally been ditched for video games which is why I go through phases in liking games such as NeoPets, World of Warcraft, The Sims 3, DCUO, Assassin’s Creed and such – because I have literally had to compete with those games in order to spend time with a friend. I get it though – you get something new and shiny and spend a lot of time with it during the ‘honeymoon phase’ but if this continues, and you are avoiding social commitments for a game, YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM and pretty soon yer friends are going to become pissed off, annoyed, frustrated and just stop calling on you or cut you out of their lives entirely, and it will be no one’s fault but your own; and like Nikki Sixx stated in his book This Is Gonna Hurt, once you are truly alone, “You will be playing a hell of a lot of solitaire.
I am bad for spending 8-15 hours in a video game myself but if I have no prior obligations, my personal hygiene, physical health and the state of my home (cleanliness of it & chores) are not being avoided or ignored, I SEE NO PROBLEM IN THIS. I can spend my free time/awake time how I want – whether it be that long of writing, reading, out doing something, gaming . . . and if someone asks me to come out for coffee, to go to their house or go out and do something, chances are, unless I am truly sick that day I will go out. If I do not wish to spend time with someone I at least tell them as much and state why – whether I am sick or having anxiety that day or just not feeling sociable.
On a closing note, I want to add that those of you who invite friends over and just have them sit and watch video games with you while you half-ass conversations? You’re shit too, and finally, those of you who just want to reap the benefits of being a friend but “want nothing to do with their problems” – you’re a fickle fucking friend and not someone I need nor want in my life. It also sickens me that these same people have avoided family for the most stupidest of reasons. Including refusing to end conflict while your family member is on their death bed. I want nothing to do with you and soon, no one else will want anything to do with someone like you either. Enjoy your solitaire, and I feel bad for you the day you need someone and no one is there for you.
On that note, I’m going to pack up my things and head home and hopefully I’ve a few hours to talk to my best friend online before she goes to bed and then? I’m going to get to editing a friend’s novel, proofing a friend’s screenplay/script and then maybe I will have some gaming time before I sleep.